don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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