Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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