she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
