my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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