I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
