You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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