Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
