A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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