I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
