3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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