just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
