:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
