My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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