Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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