apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
