Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
