it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
