my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
