well I can't set my house on fire every night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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