We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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