I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
