You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
