yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
God, I missed his penis.
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