My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
