I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize