I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
love makes seman taste better
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
where are you?
Hypothermia
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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