Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
