Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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