I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
