there was a trapeze. enough said
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
