I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
