I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
