i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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