Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
