i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
