I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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