hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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