I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
