a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am midnight drunk by noon
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
