My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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