Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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