Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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