Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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