The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
