You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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