hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
