my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
