I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She needs sedatives and a leash
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
