He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
