I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
