hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
