so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
