So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
