I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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