My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
