we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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