Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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