I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
