dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
