just tell him i said nine months
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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