what day is it and did you see me today?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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